Monday, January 11, 2016

The Guild Slut


I have a confession to make.  I was that girl.

You know.  THAT girl.  The girl in your guild who flirts with all the guys, makes raunchy jokes, and has a collection of dick pics on her phone.  That girl.

I was the guild slut.

It's not a title I claimed on purpose.  When I first started playing WoW I barely talked.  My guildies didn't even know who I was or that I was even a girl at all.  Eventually, I guess I discovered that if you were a girl and you flaunted it, you got attention.  In real life, I'm a pretty shy person.  My social interaction is pretty limited.  So when I found that I could get attention from guys in WoW, well gosh, it was an epiphany.

I mercilessly flirted with just about every guy I could.  I made sure to stay away from the guys who I knew were too old for me or had significant others.  That was drama I didn't want.  My long-term guild at the time had a guild Facebook so I always looked on there to make sure to only flirt with the guildies I found attractive, because I'm shallow like that.  Sometimes the flirtations would turn into sexting, or worse.... e-romances.

I was naive.  I didn't realize then that a lot of time, my flirting only lead to trouble.  Most of the time, the girls in my guild didn't like me because they thought I was a big immature slut.  At the time I just ignored them and thought they were just prudes and couldn't handle my openness.  Looking back, I wish I'd at least respected that sometimes there is a place and a not-place to flirt with guildies, and maybe raid wasn't one of them.  I annoyed the fuck out of people.

My need for attention lead me to make some bad decisions.  I got into relationships I shouldn't have.  They all ended up with my heart broken and my feelings hurt when I should have known better than to bring them into a game in the first place.  I made enemies because I didn't care about anyone else's feelings.  I sold pictures of my body for gold.  Yeah, I did that.  I'm not that ashamed, except I should have charged more because my boobies are priceless, but I lost a friend because of that transaction and that I am sad about.

It's difficult to make real friends in-game when everyone already thinks of you as an object.  I got guys' attention by flirting with them and acting sexual, but when I tried to have real conversations or talk about something that wasn't sexual, they didn't understand.  I'd conditioned them to think of me as an object of sexuality, not an actual person.  It took me a while to realize I was doing that.

I broke up a relationship and lost a dear friend because I couldn't keep my nose out of other peoples' business.  I was infatuated with someone, so I butted into their relationship and they eventually broke up.  I still maintain that they would have broken up eventually anyway, but that friend has never forgiven me and he probably never will.  It's my biggest single regret from the last 4 years of playing WoW.  Every mistake I've made doesn't compare to that single moment because I lost someone I cared about.

I just joined a new guild.  Their raid chat is raunchy and I love it.  They shit talk each other all night and it's the most hilarious thing ever.  I've been easing into talking because I don't want to make the same mistakes I have before.  Instead of being an object, I want to be a valued and respected member of the guild, who maybe happens to be a girl.  I want to be accepted and respected, not be known once again as the guild slut.

I am worth more than that.